I have achieved survival of the holiday season. I completed all of my shopping and distributed all of my gifts. I accepted the shower of gifts that I did nothing to deserve. A waste of money. Money that could’ve been spent on more useful things; food, heat, shelter, and luxuries that my family deserves to provide for themselves.
I’m awful to them. I’m impossible to please and I don’t appreciate anything anyone does for me. I don’t deserve these things and I feel so guilty for accepting them.
I successfully lugged the treasure trove of gifts through the Christmas snow and up the three flights of stairs to my apartment, my freezing bare feet in flats were bright red from the exposure to subzero temperatures.
Unlocking the door and entering the threshold to my empty nest, I am hit with an overwhelming and consuming feeling of loneliness. There is no love in my life. I’m incapable of expressing it and I don’t even have an inkling on how to receive it.
I have spent the past few days consumed with thoughts of my unborn child. I wish I could know her; her appearance, her budding personality, her laugh, her little hands and tiny chicklet teeth.
I have never felt this way before about my abortion. I had convinced myself that it was the right choice for me, and I had done nothing wrong. I am being hit with a massive and unbearable wave of regret, remorse, confusion. I’m drowning in grief and I begin to dig deeper and deeper into the gapping wound.
Google Search: fetal development 5-6 weeks gestation.
This is the first time I have completed an extensive search on the topic.
Results:
A nervous system; spinal cord.
Very early development of eyes, ears, nose, lips.
Cardiovascular system development
A beating heart.
I gasp for air as tears roll down my cheeks. My body curls and I taste the saline in my mouth. In the past, I had convinced myself that “it” was nothing more than a few insignificant cells.
A beating heart.
I wanted security. I wanted to finish school and have the choice to choose my companion. I didn’t want to be forced to be with someone because I had a child with him. I wanted to have a good job and make a good living for myself- travel the world.
These are all selfish things; I put my needs first. I always put myself first at any cost. To the extent that I am willing to end a life; to stop a beating heart.
I am so lost. I seek to redeem myself, but I’m afraid that is impossible. I deserve every ounce of pain I am experiencing. I’m glad I had a crappy Christmas. I’m glad I cried silently to myself all night on Christmas Eve next to my brother sleeping beside me on the other bed in the guest room.
I need to suffer.