Christmas?

I have achieved survival of the holiday season. I completed all of my shopping and distributed all of my gifts. I accepted the shower of gifts that I did nothing to deserve. A waste of money. Money that could’ve been spent on more useful things; food, heat, shelter, and luxuries that my family deserves to provide for themselves.

I’m awful to them. I’m impossible to please and I don’t appreciate anything anyone does for me. I don’t deserve these things and I feel so guilty for accepting them.

I successfully lugged the treasure trove of gifts through the Christmas snow and up the three flights of stairs to my apartment, my freezing bare feet in flats were bright red from the exposure to subzero temperatures.

Unlocking the door and entering the threshold to my empty nest, I am hit with an overwhelming and consuming feeling of loneliness. There is no love in my life. I’m incapable of expressing it and I don’t even have an inkling on how to receive it.

I have spent the past few days consumed with thoughts of my unborn child. I wish I could know her; her appearance, her budding personality, her laugh, her little hands and tiny chicklet teeth.

I have never felt this way before about my abortion. I had convinced myself that it was the right choice for me, and I had done nothing wrong. I am being hit with a massive and unbearable wave of regret, remorse, confusion. I’m drowning in grief and I begin to dig deeper and deeper into the gapping wound.

Google Search: fetal development 5-6 weeks gestation.

This is the first time I have completed an extensive search on the topic.

Results:
A nervous system; spinal cord.
Very early development of eyes, ears, nose, lips.
Cardiovascular system development

A beating heart.

I gasp for air as tears roll down my cheeks. My body curls and I taste the saline in my mouth. In the past, I had convinced myself that “it” was nothing more than a few insignificant cells.

A beating heart.

I wanted security. I wanted to finish school and have the choice to choose my companion. I didn’t want to be forced to be with someone because I had a child with him. I wanted to have a good job and make a good living for myself- travel the world.

These are all selfish things; I put my needs first. I always put myself first at any cost. To the extent that I am willing to end a life; to stop a beating heart.

I am so lost. I seek to redeem myself, but I’m afraid that is impossible. I deserve every ounce of pain I am experiencing. I’m glad I had a crappy Christmas. I’m glad I cried silently to myself all night on Christmas Eve next to my brother sleeping beside me on the other bed in the guest room.

I need to suffer.

Feeling better

I’ve been off my meds for about two weeks now. I’m still inconvenienced with the occasional strike of dizziness and nausea. I’ve found that if I consume half a pill when I encounter this predicament I start to feel much better, and I’ve been having to do this on a less regular basis as time progresses. My feelings of hopelessness and despair have decreased and it truly seems like the severity of my depression has decreased with the elimination of my mind controlling meds. Hopefully this is not a short lived trick my brain is playing on me.

However, I am still being struck with anxiety from time to time. I had to leave the coffee shop while studying yesterday because I felt like the sky was going to fall and we were all going to die. I worked through my thinking errors and stumbled upon an antique arm chair for free outside an antique collector’s work shop on my way home. My friends and I have an on going joke that I like I steal things- so this was satisfying in that I felt like I was stealing something and obtaining a antique to add to my collection. I went home and baked a delicious spaghetti squash, which I sautéed with zucchini, tomatoes, garlic, and onions. I finished studying and went to sleep

It was a good night. I felt terrible when my panic attack came on, my hands were shaking, heart was pounding, and my thoughts were racing. But, I made it through and still managed to study enough to ace my biochemistry exam today. I once feared that my condition would consume me and prevent me from achieving my goals and being a successful research scientist someday. This will not beat me. I’m having such an enjoyable time rediscovering myself and my passion for life.

I know there will be dark days ahead, but I will fight through them in hopes of enjoying the sunny and happy days to come. Life is good. I just need to open my eyes and appreciate the little things.

When life gives you lemons, steal chairs.